Evasive
by sleapyGazelle
Summary: Remus is troubled by Tonks's relentless pursuit. Remadora.
1. Chapter 1

The sound of his own heartbeat thundered in his ears. He felt every breath rattle his bones. He could see the minuscule particles of dust in the room. He could feel the individual threads in the sheets beneath him. Remus Lupin shut his eyes and tried to calm his nerves. The heightened senses were the worst part of the transformation.

In the earlier days, before Wolfsbane potion, the hunger was the worst part. He would crave blood. He would crave to crush someone's - anyone's - delicate bones with his teeth. He would have an aching need to _smell_ fear on a victim. He would be driven mad from the isolation, finally turning his claws on his own flesh, just to ease the anguish. But what he had hated most, even more than the actual transformation, was the vivid detail with which he remembered every feral and inhuman thought. It would take the whole month to get over his repulsion at himself. But then it would happen all over again.

He lied now on his bed in his basement room, trying to sleep. But every time he shut his eyes, they snapped open again. He sighed. Keeping his human mind was an incredible blessing, but it didn't make his body any calmer. He let his mind wander instead to where it invariably ended up these days whenever he had an idle moment. Nymphadora. His whiskers twitched as his mind absently tried to coax his snout into a smile. She _hated_ when he called her that. He thought he put up a convincing show of forgetting not to use her first name. It was a lovely name, he thought. Graceful and traditional. A perfect contrast to the clumsy girl she actually was. He saw her in his mind's eye with her hair a calming shade of seafoam green. He recalled one of their conversations.

 _He had arrived early at Grimmauld Place for an Order meeting, when she walked in, her hair a fiery red, and her eyes a gleaming green._

" _Are you upset?" He wondered aloud, and she laughed, with an inelegant snort he found endearing._

" _No, Remus! This is Festive Red. For Christmas." Her eyes darkened as she narrowed them in mock scrutiny. The mischief in them remained undisguised. "Should I be upset about something?"_

 _He normally became stiff and distant under her attention. But feeling reckless, he played along. "You're early for the meeting. You know, as opposed to your usual ten minutes late. Something is up."_

 _Smiling wickedly, she walked up to him, standing just a little bit too close. "I wanted to stare at you creepily while you grew increasingly uncomfortable with my presence. Is it working?"_

 _He didn't back away like he knew she was expecting. "No," he said instead, softly, and took a step closer. "It's not."_

 _Sirius walked in and they jumped apart, pointedly avoiding the exaggerated conspiratorial looks he threw their way all evening during the meeting._

What was happening? Was he actually falling for her? She was merely infatuated with him. She saw the intrigue and romanticised the danger of werewolves. She acknowledged none of the consequences. A growl escaped him. No. He couldn't. She was just a girl. A fearless, compassionate, driven, loving, fun girl, but a girl nonetheless. Thirteen years his junior. Her feelings were temporary, just a crush. She would get over them before long. And he would be heartbroken when she did, if he didn't discourage his own growing affections. Because her crush was just a phase. She could not truly love him. He was a werewolf, hated throughout the wizarding world. No one could love a monster. Could they? Could she? Possibly?

He clenched his paws into fists, snarling, his claws digging into his palms. She was a human and he was… not. Nothing else mattered. He repeated the thought as he resigned himself again to trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, it was Dora's smiling face that finally soothed him to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

"Tonks, I'm on your side. But I know Remus better than you do." Sirius dodged a bludger-sized snowball. He retaliated at her with a slew of snow pellets.

She snatched the pellets out of the air, gathering them into a new snowball. "For such a smart bloke, he can be so dense!" Tonks did not try to hide her frustration from her uncle.

Sirius chuckled. "You're getting to know him pretty well yourself."

"You said you'd talk to him. Did you?"

"Yes. He got very defensive," he replied cheerfully.

Her hair flared an angry red. "Don't look so happy about his evasiveness!"

"No no, you don't understand. He doesn't act that way unless something is up." Her hair softened to a pink as her eyes widened. "Your feelings aren't one-sided, kid."

"I'm not a kid." But she was having trouble hiding her goofy grin. She almost dropped the armful of snow she was about to throw.

"Everyone in love is a kid, Tonks. The adults are the ones giving relationship advice. Like me. _God_ , when did that happen?"

" _He_ thinks I'm a kid, though."

"Well you _are_ fifteen years younger than -"

"Thirteen."

"Right. Tonks, I don't think he sees you as a kid as much as he sees himself as an old man. When he looks in the mirror he sees foremost the scars and the shabbiness."

"I know, Sirius. But it's ridiculous! He should see himself through my eyes." She stopped talking, a blush rising to match her hair perfectly. Sirius had charmed a couple of snowballs that were now relentlessly bouncing against her shoulders.

He gave her a small smile. "He needs to stop hating himself before he can accept that he loves you. If you can convince him that you love _him_ , and not some romantic idea of a dangerous wolf-man, he'll stop lying to himself."


	3. Chapter 3

A wolf. Her patronus was a wolf. What was he doing? Remus paced the length of his room, thoughts rushing through his mind without reprieve. He was breaking her heart. And his own. He was pathetic. He loved her, but he could give her nothing. If he told her how he truly felt, he would condemn her to the life of an outcast. If he didn't, he would have to watch as her lively eyes grew ever more tired and pained, her favorite bubblegum pink hair giving way to a mousy brown to a dingy gray. He sat down on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.

He had tried, a small voice in his head finally spoke up. He had tried distancing himself. He had tried pushing her away. It was only extinguishing her. No good was coming of it, and after seeing her sprightly jackrabbit patronus become a shabby wolf, he didn't think it ever would. _Her patronus was a wolf._

A knock at his door brought him to his feet. He opened it to see Dora, her natural dark eyes bloodshot, her expression miserable. Her face was flushed from the cold, and snowflakes were melting on her head. The remnants of his resolve started to crumble.

"I'm sorry, Remus." _She was what?_ "I've been thinking. It's not your fault. My patronus is not your fault. My feelings are not your fault. It's not your fault I'm such a mess."

"Yes it is. I reckon it's because of me you've been crying."

She chuckled softly. "Anyway, I'm sorry I've been obnoxious. I realize I can't make you feel anything. I'll -"

"I love you, Nymphadora."

"Don't call me -. Wait. What did you say?"

He pulled her to him, and murmured into her pinkening hair. "I love you."

"I don't think I heard you quite clearly. I'm going to have to ask you to repeat yourself."

He pulled away to look at her. "How about I show you?" He bent his head to kiss her, driving any doubts from her mind.


End file.
